Someone asked me whether I thought the pigeons love me or hate me.  I like to think that we have the same relationship one does with a sibling.  Sure your brother may torment you and make your Barbie do dirty things with G.I. Joe, but if something ever happened, they would be there in a second to help you.  Maybe I’m too optimistic, but I would hope that if I was ever lost and needed to send a message to the outside world, I could enlist the help of a pigeon to carry that message and that they would love me enough to not eat the note.

 

Or maybe the pigeons just hate me.  They do like to poop on my stuff.  That doesn’t sound like love to me.  Anyway, whether it’s love or hate, the pigeons need to vacate my premises.

 

Last week, when the pigeons stopped even pretending to be afraid of me, I snapped.  At one point I was yelling “I’M GOING TO BEAT YOU WITH A STICK” which, in case you’re wondering, is not something I would normally be inclined to yell or do.  I had to rearrange the barricades on the balcony.  I kept a glass of water handy so that I could splash them with it.  I seriously contemplated hurling strawberries at their heads.  They retaliated by inviting a third pigeon to join them.  And some sparrows.  I have become Francis of Assisi.  Except less loving, and more angry.  And with boobs.

 

Because the Rage is starting to get the better of me, I decided to try out a home remedy for deterring pigeons.  Enter the tomatoes.  Apparently pigeons don’t like the smell of tomato plants.  So, I went out for an adventure today.  I went to a garden store.  I think the last time I was in one was about 6 years ago.  It was overwhelming.  This time though, I was not overwhelmed.  I was on a mission.  I came out of the store with three small tomato plants, a bag of dirt and a tree.  The tree makes me happy.  The tree does not however, scare away birds.  That is unless I want to follow through with my threats of beating the pigeons with a stick, because technically, the tree IS a big stick.

 

I came home with my new green friends and made a big mess on my living room floor while I re-potted them.  Tomorrow, they will start their life on my balcony.  I hope they like it out there.  And if any of the pigeons defile my plants in anyway, the profanity that will pour from my mouth will be quite spectacular.